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How long has it been?

As I sit her amongst the chaos of my apartment it makes me wonder why all I do is sit. There are so many other things I should be doing.

I have rather active days at work. Even working just a few hours a day is exhausting. That's going to change in the next couple of weeks. I'll be working more hours each day and have to go in earlier in the morning. This means more money per month to go toward bills and other necessities.

I've been keeping close track of my spending the past couple of months. The amount of money I spend eating out is outlandish. I could buy a month's worth of the very least...with that amount of money. I haven't added it all up, but the entries I have in my Quicken cash account are many. I should cook more, but I have no ambition to do so for just myself. The one good thing about Dave was that he cooked. That was his only redeeming quality.

I shudder to think that had he and I gotten married I would have been married for a year by now. Utterly frightening. I haven't seen him (although I did hear from him occasionally) for almost a year.

Last month (Aug 30) I went to University of Michigan Medical School to present my annual "patient's view" regarding my genetic testing. This is Year 6, Presentation 7. One year I did two presentations. I was solo this year. Both Mom and Vick had to work. I did miss them and hearing their views again this year. On the flip side, it was rather nice to share just my story and to have more time for Q and A. The students were razor sharp. There were questions streching from my opinion on assisted suicide to my greatest fear. The first student to ask a question was polite enough to share her name before asking her question. The other students follow suit. I don't remember names, but I remember feeling really satisfied by being able to answer them completely and honestly.

I got laughs and sighs. All in the right places, and sometimes in unexpected places. It was a fabulous time. Liz and Wendy said (and I concur) that it was the best presentation save for the very first one. It was so fresh and new the first time...I don't think I'll ever get another standing ovation. There's always next year to shoot for though. I'm very glad that I was coherent and healthy this year. The last two years I had been going through so much with the drinking and Dave and other stuff.

Now that I'm sober and taking my medication regularly I'm in a much more level frame of mind. The good news is that my moods have evened out. The bad news is that I have absolutely no sex drive. Whatsoever. This, as they say, is a tragedy. Although, to be perfectly honest, I haven't missed it.

I was looking through Mom's 2003 scrapbook. The Year 2003, not the number of scrapbooks. That's the last good year that I had. I did "Dearly Departed" on stage, I met Mike, I was losing weight, I got a part time j ob at Kohl's and was basically happy. The Paxil helped, too.

2004 and 2005 sucked. The only high points were my inherentance and vacation. Not to mention starting AA. Not that it's really an after thought. It really was the best decision I made. That and breaking up with Dave. Which I wouldn't have had the courage to do had it not been for the support of my AA fellows.

2006 has been a great year so far. Collectively, I've been sober for nine months. Although they haven't been consecutive. A week here and there. Although I've been sober (this time) for 73 days. That's an eternity for anyone who has this hideous disease. Because I still think about it every day. Something will remind me or I'll just have a random thought. It's just getting though each day by itself. One day at a time. It's the truth.

My goal is to post more often.

Until next time...
Current Mood: complacent
Got a new job. Working in early education. Been working full time for two's exhausting. I'm looking forward to next week when I'll just be working part time. It's been good for me to be so busy. I don't have time to take a break during the day but I spend quality time with my beautiful niece. This is a VERY good thing.

Having my sister as my boss has been good thus far. She knows she can ask me to do things and I won't give her attitude. Which is more than I can say for some of the other employees.
I just got back from orientation. It took a little over an hour. Mostly "sign and date here" was said. We got a cursory tour of the store. The floor was kind of slick so I need to go buy some non-skid shoes tomorrow. They had me scheduled to work tomorrow, Thurs, Fri, and Sat. I'm not going to be able to do it tomorrow, so I'll start Thurs. They're short, five hour shifts. Should be pretty easy. I'm looking forward to getting out of the house.

I went to a noon meeting today. We finished "Bill's Story" and talked a little about that. Tuesdays are Big Book studies. No meeting tomorrow. I'll have to go to meetings here in town the rest of the week. Geez, I hate the smoke.

Tomorrow's pay day. I'll have to pay my rent and the electric bill. I don't have the cable bill yet. I'll have to pay the phone bill too. Hopefully by this time next month I'll have everything caught up.
Went to a noon meeting today. Talked about resentment. The events on Saturday (getting wrong directions while trying to find the comedy club and having to pay when we were supposed to get in free)...I thought I'd be more upset. As was said today...Ain't nothin' but a thang. I don't know if it's my medication or sobriety or learning coping tools, but things doing get to me like they used to.

Tonight is Week 10 of my BBR class. It's "sex" night. We break into two groups. The men in one and the women in the other. We make up questions to ask the other sex and get them answered. This is always an interesting experience.

Anybody need any questions answered?
Current Mood: calm
I went to a 9:00 meeting this morning. Met with one of the guys after the meeting and ended up talking for another two and a half hours. Valueable information was exchanged. We talked about accountability and self worth. Both of which I need to work on.

I'm going to a comedy show tonight. The headliner is a good friend...even though we only see each other a couple of times a year. Last time we saw each other I ended up in the hospital. That's not going to happen this time.
This is a non-date with someone from my Monday night class.

I spent a couple of days this week ripping my cd's into iTunes and transferring them into my iPod. What a great piece of technology.

Vicky and Larry are going to be moving to their new place and asked me to watch the baby. It's the least I can do. I can't do the physical moving but gives me an opportunity to help in some way.
Current Mood: calm

Back in the saddle...

I'm part of the work force again. Turned in an application yesterday, went on an interview today and got the job. Orientation is Tuesday...I'll receive all the pertinent information about the company and my uniforms. It's going to be nice to wear a uniform and not have to wonder what to wear to work. How different that is from my first job. I thought wearing a uniform was a pain. I'll be working three or four days a week. It's really close to my apartment so I have a short drive.

The kitty and I are in the new apartment. There are still boxes piled in the living room. I need to go thru them and get rid of junk. Thank goodness for the dumpster here at the apartment complex.

I'm planning to spend part of the summer by the pool. I have a bathing suit around here some place.

Went to a noon meeting today. They were out of 30 day chips. I'll get one tomorrow at the 9:00 here in town. I'm supposed to help Vick and Larry move tomorrow after the meeting.

Haven't seen baby Rachel since Wednesday. I need my fix. I'll see her tomorrow too. I'll post pictures when I figure out how to do it.
Current Mood: chipper
Life has afforded me many new opportunities.

How often can one life say that?

I now have time for writing, music,enjoying the more simpler things in life. Even my cats.

Travel and discovery awaits me.

back from the dead

I'm finally back on line after months of neglect. Foisted upon me by poverty. Now I have the means to keep up. Now I just need the ambition. Nuff said for now.
Current Mood: blah

Where has summer gone?

It's been a great week.

Monday was our annual speech at U of M. The medical students were eager and willing to listen.

We drove over in Mom's new Toyota Scion. It looks like a mini Hummer. Very unusual. Really roomy and comfy.

Mom and I were in rare form. I had the students cracking up. I built up the suspense as I told my story. It worked out so well. I didn't really plan on what I'd say, I just winged it. When I finally got to the part where I shared my genetic test results, the audience was waiting with bated breath. After I said my test was positive, you could have heard a pin drop.

Several of the students stayed after class to ask more questions. It was fantastic!

This was the best experience at U of M second only to our first year of speaking.

I felt really good this year as opposed to last. I could actually put together a coherent sentence this time. Last year I was all over the place.

Wendy and Liz took Mom and I out for coffee afterwards. There's this great place in Ann Arbor called "Angelo's" that we visit every year. They have the best homemade bread.

I've been to five AA meetings so far this week. I missed Monday, and felt the lack. I went late on Tuesday...but was edgy all day until I actually went. Seems that I get a new phone number everytime I go to a meeting. The people there are so caring. Perfect strangers enveloping me in kindness.

I'm up really early today. I have to work at 8:00. Guess I should get myself together.

Until next time...


I've been searching the web for RNAi (interference). The research points to "turning off" or "silencing" the Huntingtington's gene. Specifically the Huntingtin gene. From what I gather the gene is necessary for normal development but can be corralled or controled. That's the latest hope at least.

The good news is that this gene therapy may be available in the next five to ten years. Which means I have more of a life span.

Imagine living knowing that you're going to die a slow agnognizing death. Maybe it won't happen to me!

Keep good thoughts!

Waitress, another cup of coffee please...

It's just after six a.m. and I'm on cup number to of coffee. I don't know if I'm being blasphamus, but I don't need the fancy schmancy coffee. It's like wearing designer jeans. They're made out of the same material as Wranglers, so why spend the extra money? I'm happy with store brand, already ground coffee. Besides, I don't like the taste of coffee, I like what I put IN the coffee. I will admit that love Starbucks lattes. Call me a hypocrite.

I made a discovery this morning. I like soy milk. Dave bought some at the store (where else would he get it, duh) and I put some in my coffee this morning. It's vanilla flavored.

I've been up since 5:00 after waking at 3:45 and not being able to fall asleep. I was watching infomercials. The Total Gym. Am I crazy to want one of those things? Problem is that I don't think I could fit it into my apartment. Yep, it's that cramped. Even had to get rid of my futon that pulled out into a full sized bed. It was comfortable as a bed, but as a couch it was a pain. Have a love seat now. Works better spacewise.

My cats are wrestling. They do that more and more lately. Thank goodness Cleo's fixed, otherwise I'd have kittens. Still need to get Caesar fixed and declawed.

I have an appointment with my therapist today. We're finally going to start the "therapy" intensively. Can you trust a therapist who drives a red convertable sports car? I mean, what does that say about him? Does HE have some sort of complex that I should worry about.

I'm still waiting to hear about my disability case. My step dad seems to think that I'll find out by the end of this week. I sure hope it doesn't take two months. Meanwhile, I found out I can work part time while I'm waiting for the decision, which is good since I'm desperate for money. Same old story.

Well, time to find something to do.
Current Mood: complacent


What's new, you ask.


I'm not getting married. Dave and I seperated for a while, but he's back and things are okay. Not great, but we're trying to work things out.

I'm in therapy. Haven't started the hard core stuff, but we'll get to it.

I don't have a car. Been unemployed all summer so I had to sell it to pay my bills. Thank goodness Dave's staying with me and has a vehicle. Otherwise I'd be stranded.

Waiting to hear about my Social Security Disability hearing. My lawyer said it went well, but I'll get the acceptance/rejection letter in the next few weeks. Sooner would be better.

I've had too much coffee this morning. I was rudely awakened at 4 AM by the neighbors yelling at each other. Couldn't really make out what they were saying, but they were LOUD. It's so nice out that we slept with the windows open last night and I'm a light sleeper so I couldn't get back to sleep. I finally got up at 4:45 this morning and made coffee. I think I'm on cup number four. Whatever.

Oh, my sister is married and living in New York. She just found out she's pregnant. I'll be an auntie for the first time. Good thing she's giving Mom grandchildren cuz I'm not doin' it.
Current Mood: edgey\

I'm baaaaack

Greetings and salutations.

I was trying to post the other day and something must have been wrong with the website because it rejected me.

Called for some help and all was well.

I'll be back soon.
Current Mood: just woke up
this is a test to see if I can post

Can't think of a catchy subject title

I don't remember if I previously wrote about my current temp assignment. I'm working in the finance department of our local health system. I have some down time and thought I'd update my journal. Everything will probably come out in a jumble. My brain is fried from staring at numbers for the past two days.

I try to keep busy but there's just so much I can do. I have to interrupt other people who are working to ask for tasks to complete.

Dave is doing well. He has the day off and is going to look for a different job. He needs to find something here in town as opposed to driving 40 minutes to get to work. I'm going to have to find an evening job so I can afford the wedding.

Dave and I are going to look for houses tonight. The realtor has three in mind. Two of which I've seen from the outside. We definitely need more room. I'm tired of the close spaces. It's making me feel suffocated. My apartment is tiny. I mean really tiny. One bedroom that's full of "stuff". Even my garage space is full of belongings that I probably won't ever use again. If I had a house it'd be different. I need LOTS of closet space and a professional organizer. I also need to go thru all my old paperwork and shred anything that I don't need anymore.

I wish I had some funny story to relay. Things have just been really stressful as of late. I'm constantly on edge. I hate feeling like this. I snap at Dave and he just let's me have my little snits because he knows I'll get over it just as quickly as it occurs.

After all of the rotten things that happened this year I think I'm due for some real happiness in 2005. Getting engaged is a good start. Next is planning the wedding. Hey, if my friends can throw together a great wedding in two months, so can I!

Okay, back to staring in to space.
Current Mood: Tense

New stuff to share

I started another new temp job at the local Health System. It's a 90 day gig. If I do well I'll have my foot in the door for a full time permanent position! I really enjoy what I've been doing so far...even if it requires me working with lots of numbers. Which hasn't been my forte, but I've learned slow and steady wins the race. Just got my own phone extension today. I'm hoping to have my own computer log in within the week. :-)

Dave's also got me eating healthier. He does most of the cooking (YUM!!)...I made dinner last night and then did the dishes and he was so proud., doing dishes the same day I dirty them. Wonders will never cease.

Mom's been really sick with brochitis or something. She couldn't talk for several days. She's much better now.

Vicky has taken away my Maid of Honor duties...I've been demoted to "just" a bridesmaid and couldn't be happier. Didn't wanna throw her a damn shower anyway. She said it was because I dragged my heels on planning the shower and didn't seem interested. HELLO!!! She just set the date six months ago, and we JUST ordered the bridesmaid dresses in November. Talk about dragging heels.

(sigh) New resolution...I will not let her push my buttons.

Reminder: Bring radio to work if allowed.

Have a great day kids!

...after the shiny ball dropped...

It's a new year...let's review what 2005 has brought thus far. Gram's funeral was absolutely beautiful. A cousin conducted the service and gave the people who attended a chance to step up and share something about such a wonderful woman. Many did. BIG NEWS I was visiting my parents Sunday. We were all talking when Mom suddenly said, "Steph, I have something secret to show you." She called me into her bedroom, and had a little pouch in her had. She opened it and let the contents fall into my hand. There were four rings. My grandmother's double pearl ring, a tiny ring with no stone, and my grandmother's wedding set. The diamond is tiny and nestled in a "princess" cut setting of white gold that looks like a bow. The band is also of white gold. Very simple and nondescript, but full of meaning. My grandmother had worn it throughout her 64 years of marriage and until her death. I thanked Mom and hugged her. These rings represented so much to me; loyalty, unconditional love, safety, eternity. I could ask for nothing better to represent marriage every time I look at it.

...and one makes FIVE

My grandmother died Tuesday night. She was 89. She lived a life full of love and laughter. She taught me the meaning of unconditional love...yet forgot to give me her receipe for her molassas cookies. (Forgive my poor spelling).

My sister called about 6:30 to tell me that the hospital called and Gram's vitals were very low. My sister then offered to pick me up. Off we went to the hospital, knowing that this was the end. At least, I knew. I always felt a very special connection to her. Probably because I'm the only grandchild named after her. Well, my middle name, at least.

When we arrived at the hospital room, the door was closed. Another indication that she was no longer with us. As soon as I opened the door, I started sobbing. I'd had forethought to take my Bible and proceeded to read the 23rd Psalm. Nobody else was showing emotion. I think they were all numb. My sister couldn't even stay in the room. I held onto Gram's hand for the longest time.

Today my parents, two uncles, sister and I went to make the funeral arrangements. Picking out her casket was kind of eerie. The funeral is Monday at 10:30 AM. We have relatives who won't be back in town until this weekend.

I started working three weeks ago. My assignment was for four weeks, and this is the last week. Monday I was sick. Tuesday I tried to go in, but had to go back home. Then I spent the afternoon with Gram in the hospital. Funny how things work out like that. Had I worked all day I would have missed my last opportunity to spend time with her. Today we had the appointment at the funeral home, so I didn't work either. Since the funeral is on Monday, I'm planning to work tomorrow (er...later today) and Friday. I need to do something to keep me busy. I called the temp agency I was working for and explained the situation. They mentioned something about bringing in another temp. We'll see if they did, indeed, do that when I get there tomorrow.

I should be in bed, but I have company whose snoring is keeping me awake. I've even tried the warm milk routine. No good.

Gram's death makes it a total of five relatives during 2004. Makes me wonder what 2005 has in store. Maybe a full time job! I actually missed working...and the assignment I've been on has been very enjoyable. There's a great coffee shop next door that has primo lattes. With sugar free carmel. Even if the company has another temp, I can always stop by for a hot, frothy beverage.
Current Mood: befuddled

What a glorious weekend!

I had a friend in from out of town this weekend. He's a comedian and had shows at the local comedy club. Things started out fine after my class on Thursday. We hung out for a couple of hours just catching up.

I went back to the hotel on Friday even though wasn't really feeling well. We headed over to the club for an early dinner before the first show. Dinner was great. I had a couple of drinks after dinner...(I guess it was three or four)...I watched the opening act (funny guy) then my friend was introduced and headed up on stage. I was laughing one minute and the next thing I knew I was waking up in an ambulance. I'd obviously had too much to drink in too short of time--Yeah, I know I wasn't supposed to be drinking at all. The poked and prodded me in the ER and gave me some saline. I called my sister, who lectured me. I talked to the doctor, who lectured me. I just wanted to go home and sleep.

At first I was horribly embarassed that all this had happened in a public place. I decided that I'd go back to the show on Saturday night and had a great time. Nothing but Diet Coke and water for me. We had a good time and even did a little karaoke after the second show.

We didn't get out of the club til 1:30 AM and my friend had to be at the airport at 5:30 that morning. So, after a short nap we headed to the airport. Fortunately, it was only a half hour away. But we had to pack and load up the car. Yuck. And it was sooo friggin' cold that morning.

I got another kitty on Sunday. Brother to the kitten I got a month ago (Cleo). The new kitten is an orange tabby. This gorgeous butterscotch color. I'm trying to think of a name for him. Ceasar, Antony, Noodle, of my friends suggested "Tony the Tiger"...which is very appropriate considering Kellogg's headquarters is in my home town. Feel free to vote or to suggest another name.

My life is so exciting. :-)

Look! Exciting news!

Okay, not really exciting.

Buster is now living with my cousin, Kevin; his girlfriend and their daughter. The girlfriend has three other children who just love Buster to death. Buster's going to get all kinds of attention.

Cleo the kitty is growing and healthy. She's obviously happy. She wakes me up in the morning by crawling onto my shoulder. She's adorable. It relaxes me to have her here and to listen to her purr.

I've decided to start looking for a job. I've been putting it off. It's time to get out of the house and do something productive. I even went shopping for clothes last night. Whoo hoo!

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